I want to be free, travel, see the world, be the world.
I want to be peaceful, calm, and happy.
I want to feel the air, and hear the oceans.
I want to understand people and see how they live, see their cultures, and breathe them.
I want to read and write and draw all of this.
I want to record my experiences and be the storyteller I know I can be.
I want to make my footprint in the world, however small and however insignificant.
Because however insignificant it is to them, it is beautiful and perfect to me.
I want to live.
This all appears selfish to anyone who reads it because it's asking too much, and all it says is "I want". To those people who call this selfish, they don't understand, and won't understand because they don't know the sense of freedom I want to feel. The sense of freedom that means I can live and breathe air that no longest tastes bitter.
The type of freedom where I no longer regret each breath I take because I feel like I am offending someone.
The type of freedom where every breath doesn't hurt.
Where is that freedom?
I love my country.
I don't know my country.
I haven't seen my own country.
I love the world.
I don't know the world.
I haven't seen the world.
I love cultures.
I don't now many cultures.
I haven't experienced these cultures.
These thoughts are painful to me, harmful to my mind. Because this is someone else's life, someone else's reality. Someone I wish I could be.
I am not privileged.
I am not special.
I am not positive.
I am not hopeful.
I am not perfect.
I am ordinary.
But I accept your reality as my own.
I want to be selfish, just this once.
Because I have to ask myself now, am I ready to give up everything?
My personality causes me to give up my own happiness to try and make another happy. It always has.
I plead to be heard.
No one's listening.
No one ever will.
Because will live in a society in which are completely absorbed in what they want, and I'm one of those people who gave up, and concluded that I should give everyone what they want - in exchange for giving up on myself.
I'm giving up on my dreams.
I'm giving up on living happily.
I'm giving up on ever curing this empty feeling.
I'm giving up on everything I've ever loved.
I'm doing everything you're asking of me.
I'm doing everything you want.
I'm doing everything I can to make you happy.
I'm trying so hard, but it has and never will be enough.
You'll never see this. Because you can't listen, you never will, because it isn't what you know.
If it breaks me, and I cave and I can't do it anymore, if one day it ever comes to that, I'm sorry, but I'm just a shell of what I used to be now anyways.
I have no motivation.
I have nothing to push me forward anymore.
I feel like, I'm just going towards living an empty life.
And we will sacrifice everything to make you happy.
But I will sacrifice everything to make the final person happy.
Is it worth it? To you, it is.
I guess I'm glad. For you, that is.
I guess I'm happy. For you, that it.
I will be compliant.
I will be what you want.
But don't ask me to smile.
I can't smile anymore.